Many of you (by which I mean none of you) have been asking how things are going with my presidential campaign.
Today I’m happy to announce that to avoid confusion with another candidate from Vermont —I think his name is Benji something — I am changing my name to “The Anti Trump.”
More on that below, after I solve all the problems in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Nevada — states that I have chosen randomly and not in any way because they have an early caucus or primary.
Well, I won’t really try to solve the problems in Iowa and Nevada. They have entirely too much corn and sand for that.
Rather than waste taxpayer money landing in those states, I will continue to simply fly over Iowa and Nevada. Preferably in Air Force One at 35,000 feet.
As for New Hampshire, I’d be happy to go skiing there.
And South Carolina? The state ranks high in obesity, preterm births, unemployment and naked racial prejudice. Plus Lindsey Graham is from South Carolina. Need I say more?
But my campaign won’t be all snark. Like Hubert Humphrey I will practice the politics of joy, the happy warrior staying close to home in Vermont while the rest of the world goes to hell in a hand basket.
So far, so good.
Regular readers will recall that I launched my candidacy last year right after Joe Sestak. He is a former Navy admiral and member of Congress.
I don’t need to point out that Sestak had puny qualifications compared to my background as a Fence Viewer for the Town of Cornwall.
Sestak hiked across New Hampshire in a publicity stunt to meet with voters. His campaign stops were primarily coffee shops and libraries, which coincidentally are places where I spend a lot of time, too. Joe soon walked his way right out of the campaign. But I’m hanging in there.
Although the Fake News Lamestream Media has been ignoring me, you’ll probably recall key elements of my platform. (And if you don’t recall them, not to worry; I had to look them up myself):
-Because I have no adult children, voters can rest assured that my son will never collect $50,000 a month from Burisma for doing nothing. Nor will I appoint my clueless son-in-law to solve the intractable problems of the Middle East.
-Rather than forgive students’ college debt, I’ve pledged to forgive everyone’s library fines.
-My approach to climate change is to make Canada give us back our winters.
Breaking news: I’ve recently changed my campaign slogan. It used to be “I have a plan to come up with a plan for that. Or maybe it’ll be an app.”
The brand new slogan: “Onward into the fog.”
But the most substantial change I’m making is in my new identity as The Anti Trump.
The latest polling confirms that most Americans would prefer to see their neighbor’s hamster be elected president, rather than endure four more years of Donald Trump. So I’m remaking myself into everything Trump is not.
I pledge to use Twitter only to suggest good recipes for pot roast and vegan lasagna.
I will never extort campaign aid from Ukraine or seek Russia’s help to get my opponent’s emails. No matter how often Vladimir Putin blackmails me.
I promise not to assassinate any foreign generals. Even if — as apparently happened this month — the name of a foreign general appears on a chart of policy alternatives and I hit it with a dart.
Rather than denounce the scientific facts of climate change as “a hoax,” I will warn that burning fossil fuels is a Chinese plot to destroy the planet.
If impeached I will refuse to coordinate my defense with Moscow Mitch McConnell. My response to any impeachment charges leveled by the House of Representatives will be, “Well, maybe you have a point there. Anyway, this job sucks.”
Because I know voters care about matters of style as well as substance, I’ve given careful thought to my grooming.
I still have all my hair. But to counter Trump’s epic combover, I will regularly shave a proud bald spot on the crown of my head. I also pledge to ban tanning salons and make it illegal to use orange-tint facial creams.
I will make sure that there is once again a dog in the White House.
And as The Anti Trump I will also order the immediate closure of all golf courses and their rapid conversion to national parks. After all, we golfers have suffered enough.
Greg Dennis’s column appears here almost every other Thursday and is archived on his blog at gregdennis.wordpress.com. Email: [email protected]. Twitter: @greengregdennis.