Op/Ed

Greg Dennis: A campaign going nowhere — but fast

I’ve been patient, I really have. I don’t bring it up with friends anymore. I no longer ask strangers for donations.
But my campaign is going nowhere. So I figure it’s time to make some noise.
Starting with this reminder to the Lamestream Media: I’m running for president. Of the United States.
Close observers of my campaign, if there are any, will recall that I announced my candidacy right after Joe Sestak entered the race.
Sestak was the 24th Democrat to run for president this time around. He’s a former Navy admiral and was a member of Congress from Pennsylvania. He said he delayed launching his campaign until June of this year so he could spend more time with his daughter. (I am not making this up.)
According to the one current news story I could locate about Sestak, it appears he is still in the running. Or at least he’s still in the walking.
Earlier this month he hiked 105 miles across New Hampshire in an eight-day publicity stunt to meet with voters. His campaign stops were primarily coffee shops and libraries. Every time he had to deviate from his planned route, he planted a white stake in the ground to remind him where he had been.
If you look up the word “quixotic” in the dictionary, there is a picture of Joe Sestak.
No one, however, will accuse me of tilting at windmills. In fact I’m actively promoting them as green energy. I’m also pushing solar, geothermal — and powering your house by pedaling a stationary bicycle to charge the batteries and keep the lights on.
Following in Sestak’s footsteps, I plan to campaign by walking around downtown Bristol, Vergennes and Middlebury.
In the meantime — since all you Fake News, enemy-of-the-people media apparently need reminding — here are a couple key points about my campaign:
• Slogan: “I have a plan to come up with a plan for that. Or maybe it’ll be an app.”
• Campaign vehicle: a large Bet-Cha Transit school bus I’ve named the BS Express, in which I will tour the nation listening to voters and ignoring their concerns.
• Immigration policy: Because Trump has already targeted Muslims, blacks and anyone living south of Texas, I’m pushing for a ban on Hindus. I don’t want them to feel discriminated against. And if all the WASPs don’t get off their fannies and start appreciating their white privilege, I might go after them, too.
• Experience: I am uniquely qualified for the presidency thanks to my service as a Fence Viewer for the town of Cornwall.
But the big news today is that I’ve chosen Rep. Tulsi Gabbard as my running mate.
I think she’ll make an excellent vice-president. Or at least she won’t be as bad as Mike Pence and Dan Quayle. Plus she grew up in a Hawaiian cult founded by a surfer dude, so there’s that.
But I’m not going to ignore all the other Democratic hopefuls just because I have a running mate. In fact, I’ve already lent money to Joe Biden so he doesn’t have to take a bus to his next campaign stop.
I’ve also been hard at work formulating alternatives to policy positions that have been promoted by Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders.
Instead of Medicare for All, I’m promoting my Hair Care for All™ plan. In place of “free” healthcare, my program will provide every adult American with a free (after subscription) monthly haircut courtesy of SuperCuts.
Rather than forgive student college debt, I’ve pledged to forgive everyone’s library fines.
And if you don’t actually owe any library fines? Well, you snooze you lose, suckers. You should have done what they told you in fifth grade and taken books out of the library.
Instead of the Green New Deal, I’m proposing the Purple New Deal. In which every American will receive a free monthly CD of new music by Prince.
As for climate change and foreign affairs, I pledge to make Canada give us back our winters.
I also promise to have Canada take in Hunter Biden as a refugee and give him an actual job.
And Russia, if you’re listening, you can start placing those Facebook ads for my campaign.
Greg Dennis’s column appears here every other Thursday and is archived on his blog at www.gregdennis.wordpress.com. Email: gregdennisvt@yahoo.com. Twitter: @GreenGregDennis.

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