THE LAROSE SURVEYS team sails to victory.
Independent photo/Steve James

BRISTOL — The annual outhouse race amidst Bristol’s July 4 festivities never disappoints. 

Twelve teams of three contestants each showed up ready to roll on West Street this past Thursday morning. The aim for all was an agile advancement to the finish line. The winners of each trial heat proceeded to the final round, with trophies awaiting teams that are either the fastest or the prettiest.  

The unusual sport, billed by Bristol’s 4th of July Committee as the World Championship, involves both speed and tactics, according to Gary Russell, who dropped the starting flag at the beginning of each race.

“The trickiest part is to navigate that chasm,” said Russell, indicating the narrowed roadway between the two cranes that lift a gigantic American flag over the middle of the course. 

The runners were acutely aware of this reality while they carefully strategized their route and prayed for good luck. Members of last year’s winner, LaRose Surveys, shared their secret before the race.

“Left side,” Ezekiel Savage declared.

“The right side is on a downer angle, so there’s more steering” Kobe LaRose explained. 

The two pushers planned to proudly continue their double-push strategy.

“We coined that method two years ago,” LaRose said. “It hasn’t failed us since,” Savage added — LaRose Surveys had won two straight years.

Bella Swift, the occupant of their porta-a-potty throne, was new to the team this year. 

“This is my first and last time riding,” she assured a reporter.

HAYDEN BERNHARDT’S EXPRESSION shows he is in fierce combat mode as his Blue Ledge Farm outhouse nears the finish line in Bristol while teammate Cameron Perta laboriously collaborates in pushing their vehicle. Evan Thoma, in the meantime, sits gleefully inside the wooden frame.
Independent photo/Steve James

This year the saga of LaRose Surveys’ battle against the Blue Ledge Farm team, led by Cameron Perta with fellow pusher Hayden Bernhardt and sitter Evan Thomas, continued to capture the crowd’s attention.

“Every sport I play, it’s all for this,” Bernhardt firmly stated.

“I’m excited to go, been watching this since I was younger. Hopefully we can get the win,” Thomas added.

Perta himself seemed to be susceptible to an ungodly amount of pressure from his audience.

“I’m incredibly nervous, almost embarrassingly so. I’d like to think I lead a balanced and reasonable life, but this is the most stressful thing I do all year,” he shared. 

While there was little doubt for the top two seeds this year, teams from Jackman’s of Bristol Inc. and Bristol Co-Housing also quickly elevated themselves from their heats into the final race. 

“If you ain’t first, you’re last,” joked Elliot Diana from Jackman’s.

A LARGE WOODCHUCK takes a ride up West Street in Bristol in the well-loved local cider company’s outhouse on July 4.
Independent photo/Steve James

“We’re feeling good, we’re here to play, we’re here to have fun,” said the Co-Housers catching their breaths after the first run.

As the drum rolled for the final round, the four winning teams of each heat dashed forward with the speed of their lives.

The two top seeds in the race, LaRose Surveys and Blue Ledge Farm, quickly gained advantageous positions on the track, rushing forward almost head-to-head. The four outhouses, in the blink of an eye, squeezed through the middle point of the race marked by the narrowly parked cranes, although the passage rendered the Surveyors a slight advantage against the rest. 

As they were approaching the finish line, Perta from Blue Ledge Farm made one last forceful push against the back of his rig before letting go for fate to decide his outhouse’s destiny. As fate would have it, the double-push method of the Surveyors proved to be the more successful strategy. 

CHARON HENNING AND her plastic flamingo, seated in an outhouse draped in rainbow strips and paper monstera leaves, enjoys a tropical ride fueled by Braindin Jones’s push.
Independent photo/Steve James

Given a toilet-paper-thin margin, LaRose Surveys, despite the absence of their beloved coach Richard Donnelly, eventually won their last race. 

“We pulled the hat trick and we’re done,” Savage said.

As the three-year era comes to an end with the Surveyors taking a bow, it’s better to stay tuned for Perta’s comeback next year.

“We already scheduled next year’s practice,” Perta said. “This is the most important thing I do in the entire year. I wish I was kidding.”

The winner of this year’s best-decorated outhouse prize, the ladies of Hot Flash, obviously breezed through their run (they trailed the heat winners by a very generous margin) as their decision to participate in the race was entirely last-minute. Katina Francis Ready, a local lawyer with her own law firm now dressed in her dazzling Captain Marvel costume and Mohican hair, explained how the Hot Flashers got in the race. 

“It was a joke on Monday because they put a plea out for participants. But it didn’t finish as a joke at all,” she said.

In a text she wrote to her fellow teammates, Ready said, “I was just on the phone with opposing counsel in a case and he asked what our strategy is! I was like… cute t-shirts and sparkles!!!”

THE JULY 4 GREAT Outhouse Race in Bristol is usually a fast- paced affair, but this past Thursday the Bird Nerds racers got a bit distracted by avian activity in the crowd and introduced some “slow birding” to the annual event.
Independent photo/Steve James

Megan Harris, a longtime helper of the July 4 event in Bristol and a finish line holder at the race this year, noted the large crowds along West Street cheering on the racers in good natured fun. She loves the joy and fun of the day.

“I’ve been part of this the entire time since I was 36. This is my first time doing the outhouse race with my father, Steve Gebeault,” Harris said. “It’s just an amazing event, and I love seeing the population of my town grow.”