It’s written in the Official Manual for Sports Writing that predictions must be made. That’s Rule 1.
Rule 2? Once made, said prognostication must be quickly forgotten unless it miraculously proves correct.
Did I mention that I once accurately made the preseason prediction that the Kansas City Royals would win the 1985 World Series? Hey, thanks to Don Denkinger’s historically bad umpiring call (Jorge Orta safe at first in the 9th inning of Game 6 vs. the Cardinals) I was right.
Since then? See Rule 2.
Rule 3? The start of a new year requires that the crystal ball be taken out of the bottom drawer from behind the old scorebooks containing Tyler Pelland no-hitters and 36-walk softball games.
Thus, the Addison Independent sports department consensus forecasts for 2012 are:
•  The Bruins will win the Stanley Cup. If not, it will be bad luck and injuries holding them back, and it won’t be for lack of effort. And pity the poor fool who picks a fight with the Bs.
•  The New England Patriots will lose a playoff game in which an opposing quarterback completes 70 percent of his passes for 450 yards and four touchdowns. By the end of the game Stevan Ridley and Aaron Hernandez will be playing safety. Afterward, Bill Belichick will say he thought his athletes competed well.
•  This spring experts will again predict Belichick will restock his defense in the draft. Instead, he will select two running backs, two offensive linemen, a fullback, a tight end, a back-up quarterback, a punter and a place-kicker, and trade the rest of his picks for choices in future drafts. Tom Brady will finally demand a trade.
•  Right-wing sports owners will continue to complain bitterly about the help making too much money and about creeping socialism and high taxes. They will also continue to seek public funding for new stadiums paid for by taxpayers.
•  Celtics center Greg Stiemsma will become a Boston folk hero, but unlike the previous (predictably European-American) cult figure on the Cs’ roster (Brian Scalabrine), Steamer (or Steamroller, for those who prefer Paul Pierce’s nickname for him) will prove to be a useful role player.
•  Tommy Heinsohn will start a discussion of a referee’s work with the phrase “This guy, I’ll tell ya” at least 420 times between now and June.
•  Ray Allen will put the NBA career three-point shooting record as far out of reach as Charles Barkley’s high school playing weight.
•  In honor of new manager Bobby Valentine, Boston Red Sox pitchers will switch from wings and beer to sushi and sake.
•  The signing of Nick Punto by the Red Sox will not swing the balance of power in the A.L. East in Boston’s favor. The acquisition of a starting pitcher will do so if it is Hiroki Kuroda or Matt Garza. The acquisition of a starting pitcher will not do so if it is Jeff Francis or Joe Saunders.
•  The Yankees will splurge on someone before the end of January. Expect it to be a starting pitcher, possibly one mentioned in the middle of the previous paragraph.
•  Now that Jeter’s dating Minka Kelly again, look for his numbers to decline next season until they break up again. When she then starts hanging out with A-Rod, Jeter takes up with Cameron Diaz. Meanwhile, it is discovered that Mariano Rivera is really an alien android with a bionic arm and shoulder, but Bud Selig rules that because Rivera has played so long he is grandfathered and can still pitch for the Yankees.
•  Meanwhile, nobody notices or writes about the Mets.
Hey, some predictions are easy.
Andy Kirkaldy may be reached at [email protected].