Greg Dennis: A late bid for the presidency

News item from The N.Y. Times: “Joe Sestak, a former Navy admiral and congressman from Pennsylvania, said he was joining the crowded field of Democratic candidates running for president in 2020 … Mr. Sestak became the 24th Democratic candidate running for president.
“His announcement came later than those of the other Democratic candidates. He said the delay was because he had wanted to spend time with his daughter,” who had been ill.
Never heard of Sestak? You’re not alone. His major political accomplishment was to beat a popular U.S. senator in the primary and then lose the general election — thereby costing the Democrats a crucial Senate seat.
Nonetheless, I am inspired by Joe Sestak’s brave, albeit extremely late, entry into the race. 
So today I’m announcing that I, too, am running for President. If it’s good enough for the average Joe, it’s good enough for me.
I had actually been planning to announce my candidacy much earlier. But the bunion on my left foot has been bothering me. 
I’ve already worked out my campaign slogan, which will be a good answer for any snippy questions from voters: “I’ve got a plan to come up with a plan for that.”
Of course I’ll be running as a favorite son of the state of Vermont. Because nobody from Vermont ever runs for president, right?
Along with perennial presidential candidate Pat Paulsen, I see myself as a common ordinary savior of America’s destiny.
My plan is to tour the nation listening to voters and ignoring their concerns. I’ll be driving a large Bet-Cha Transit school bus I’ve named the BS Express. 
With a name like that, no one will be surprised by any of my positions. They can’t say they weren’t warned.
But first we’ll kick off the campaign with a big rally in Fenway Park. I’m sure the Red Sox won’t mind altering their schedule to accommodate me. 
For one thing, the stage for my kickoff speech will be right in front of the Green Monster. On the Monster itself will be a huge banner that reads, “Yankees Suck!” (See what I mean? How could the Sox resist that?)
A few ignorant skeptics — the kind of people who always try to bring a good man down — have said I have no chance of winning. But when Donald Trump came down that escalator to announce his candidacy, even he didn’t think he would win.
Besides, there’s nobody else like me in the race.
Bernie Sanders is known for being nasty to the media. I’m happy to answer any reporter’s questions so long as they don’t expect an honest answer. And I’ll be nice about it. (Note to media: Try me!)
Unlike Joe Biden, I haven’t spent the past 45 years serving my country as an elected official. 
In fact, I hold the distinction of having lost two elections, in one year of high school, for class president and Student Council president. (Not to worry. After years of therapy I’m over it. Mostly.)
Nonetheless, I have for some years been a fence viewer for the town of Cornwall. No other candidate can make that claim.
I’m neither gay nor female, so right there I stand out from Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, Amy Klobuchar and that awful New Yorker who ran Al Franken out of the Senate. And in contrast to Gov. Jay Inslee, I have no convincing plan to slow climate change. 
You’ll be able to donate to my campaign just as soon as I set up my Go Fun Me page. No donation is too large.
So exactly what does my campaign stand for?
First and foremost, I pledge to give each and every American an annual lump of coal in his/her/their Christmas stocking. 
That will accomplish two things. First, it will again be OK to say “Merry Christmas” after President Obama made it illegal. And second, it’s the best way to bring back the great American coal industry since President Trump had failed to do that.
I’m also planning to build a beautiful wall along the Mexican border of maple trees imported from Vermont. And Canada will pay for it!
Unlike other border walls, this one will truly work: After all, Vermont has thousands of maple trees and very few people seem to want to move here. 
For more proof just look a couple hours north. Do you see Canadians pouring across our border of maple trees to seek asylum in Vermont? I rest my case.
Along with this impenetrable border wall, I’m thinking of issuing an executive order that bars Hindus from entering the country. Trump has been targeting Muslims and Mexicans and other brown-skinned people. I’m worried the Hindus may feel left out.
WASPS, too. They might end up on the banned list. What have they done lately to make America great again?
Better yet, maybe we should ban any human immigration and limit the inflow just to animals. That’ll make it official: The country is going to the dogs.
I’ve also given a lot of thought to diversity in our armed forces. 
My first assignment for the defense secretary — I’m thinking of appointing Stephen Colbert because the Pentagon needs a few more laughs — will be to figure out what LGBTQIA stands for.
Regarding foreign policy, I promise never to invade a country until a majority of Americans can locate it on a map.
As for climate change, Americans will upon my election be required to call it “global weirding.” And when the next super-hurricane hits? I pledge to continue Trump’s policy of arriving on the scene days later to toss rolls of paper towels to the survivors.
And Russia, if you’re listening, please send me my opponents’ emails. 
I also need some large suitcases stuffed with cash. This campaign is getting expensive.
Greg Dennis’s column appears here every other Thursday and is archived on his blog at gregdennis.wordpress.com. Email: [email protected]. Twitter: @GreenGregDennis.

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