I recently had a chance to sit down (in my imagination) with President Donald Trump to discuss the Peoples Climate March in Washington, D.C.
The march brought an estimated 200,000 people to the streets of the nation’s capital to protest Trump Administration policies that push for burning more coal, oil and gas. There were scores of similar events around the globe, including in Montpelier.
Fossil fuels are responsible for global warming and climate change that, over time, threaten to destabilize food production and, in a worst-case scenario, civilization itself. What follows is an edited transcript of our “conversation.”
Greg Dennis: Thanks for taking the time today, Mr. President, to discuss climate change and how it’s affecting Vermont and the world in general. It’s a subject very much on my mind, since I was one of hundreds of Vermonters — and more than 200,000 Americans — who were in D.C. for the climate march this past weekend.
DT: I read the #fakenews about that march. I heard you folks out there around the White House. So what? Great city, D.C., by the way. Or at least it will be once I drain the swamp. I’ve appointed some terrific billionaires to do that. Did you know I’ve got a hotel in Washington?
GD: Yes sir, I do know that. We marched past it last Saturday chanting, “Shame, shame, shame!”
DT: What, and you didn’t come in? You should have tried the food. Fabulous food. The menu now has that beautiful chocolate cake I was eating when I bombed Syria.
So you’re from Vermont, huh? That’s a great, great state. I love Vermont “Live Free or Die,” terrific motto.
GD: Um, that’s New Hampshire.
DT: Of course, I knew that. Anyway, what I like best about Vermont is all the great ocean beaches.
GD: You must be thinking of Maine.
DT: Maine, Vermont — it’s all up there by Canada. And speaking of Canada, aren’t you folks a little concerned about that place when it comes to global warming?
GD: Well, we did work hard to stop the Keystone XL pipeline from Canada, which is designed to bring dirty tar sands oil into the U.S. But you reversed Obama and OK’d the pipeline — which if it’s built will mean “game over for the climate,” according to the former chief scientist at NASA.
DT: No, that’s not why we need to be worried about Canada. First there’s NAFTA, and free trade with our neighbors is a very bad idea. We need to do a big number on that. But they’ve got single-payer healthcare up there. I’m open to that, as long as the insurance and drug companies can make a lot of money on it.
But actually, few people realize Canada may be the reason things are getting so hot here in America.
GD: How so?
DT: I mean, think about it. The Canadians might be pushing all the heat south of the border. Why do you think it’s so cold up there in Canada? I don’t know if that’s true but it’s an interesting idea. Canada could be responsible for global warming and Vermont is getting the worst of it. I mean, a lot of people are talking about it.
Anyway, don’t you have a lot of gays in Vermont? I love the gays. No one loves the gays more than I do.
But the blacks — not many of the blacks up there. It’s too cold for them, right? When you’re from Africa it’s like that, it’s just natural.
[Stunned silence.]
DT: Speaking of the blacks, did you know Frederick Douglass has visited Addison County? He’s an example of somebody who has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice. And don’t you have Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys? How’s Ethan doing these days?
GD: He’s been dead since 1789.
DT: Well, that’s a shame. If he had stayed alive a little longer, he could have helped Andrew Jackson prevent the Civil War.
GD: Sir, if we could get back to climate change. We ringed the White House on Saturday to call on you to reverse your policies. You’ve called for drastic cuts to the EPA, and you appointed an EPA director who has denied that climate change is caused by humans. Plus you’ve said it’s a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese to take away American jobs.
You’ve also got a personal stake in the issue, sir. As one protestor’s sign pointed out on Saturday, Mar-a-Lago is only three feet above sea level.
DT: So what?
GD: So the ice caps are melting and sea level is rising. Your golf course — and other low-lying land along the East Coast — could soon be under water.
DT: I can always build another golf course.
GD: We don’t have the same choices in Vermont, though. Our maple sugar and ski industries are threatened by global warming.
DT: So, go up to Canada and ask them to give back some of the cold. And while you’re at it, you can ski and buy maple syrup up there. Of course we’ll tax the syrup heavily when you come back across the border. Assuming we let you back in.
Speaking of the border, did I mention that the Canadians are going to pay for the wall? You’ve got a lot of rapists coming across that border and we’re going to put an end to that. I’ve explained all this to Pierre Trudeau, who by the way is the only international leader still talking to me other than Erdogan and Duterte and of course my buddy Putin. Great, great leaders, all of them.
Anyway, it’s going to be a huge, beautiful wall. And the Canadians will pay for it. Not only will it keep out the drug dealers and other bad hombres, it’s gonna be decorated with pine trees. We’ll have beautiful women on the wall at the border — American women only and maybe a few from wherever it is that Melania came from — and I’ll go up there to visit.
I’ll be able to touch any of those women I want, wherever I want. When you’re a star, they let you do it.
Gregory Dennis’s column appears here every other Thursday and is archived on his blog at www.gregdennis.wordpress.com. Email: [email protected]. Twitter: @greengregdennis.