An open letter to the grieving mothers and fathers of Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, etc.
Please accept our heartfelt apology for dropping bombs on your children and blowing them into little bits. We recognize that this has been terribly inconvenient for you. And we realize that President Hillary Clinton will be dropping more bombs on your cities and blowing up the rest of your families.
But look at it from our point of view: America deserves a raise, you see. We must have a higher minimum wage. Hillary Clinton has promised to fight for an increased minimum wage, and so we simply must vote for her. If the destruction of your countries, along with the deaths of thousands of innocent people who live there, is the price we must pay, well, what else can we do? Vote for peace candidates like Gary Johnson or Jill Stein? Don’t be absurd. Americans are truly suffering, and being the compassionate, progressive, liberal-minded people we are, we have to do everything in our power to alleviate that suffering.
There. I knew you’d understand. Have a nice day.
Daniel Sobel
Middlebury